Realizations
by vinh
Summary: Full title: Realizations come when the lighting flows across the sky. Yep, it’s another post Losing My Religion fic. My version on what I would like Addison would do. Chapters one through three have been revised.
1. Chapter 1

**_Revised: Realizations come when the lighting flows across the sky_**

_Part one_****

---**_  
_**

_Disclaimer: _Grey's Anatomy and other related characters/ideas are owned, ™ and © by The Mark Gordon Company and Shondaland Productions in association with Touchstone Television and ABC. No copyright infringement is intended. So, in conclusion: Don't sue.

_AU:_ Yep, it's another post-LMR fic. My version on what I would like Addison would do. This is the _revised_ version.

---

Addison gave Richard a brittle smile as she tried to keep it together as she walked down the hall with Miranda and Richard after Izzie's speech. She paused glancing behind her to see where Derek was. Her lips tightened as the realization of what was happening between Derek, Meredith and Finn. Blinked away the tears that had suddenly appeared, Addison caught up with Miranda and Richard.

She put a hand on Richard's arm stopping him before saying, "I quit, too, while I still have some dignity left."

She hugged Bailey and Richard tightly, whispering that she would call them from where ever she ended up before she turned to walk back to her husband, and his mistress. She smoothed her features hiding just how much her husband's quickie with his mistress had hurt her. Only her eyes showed a hint of the anguish and the heartache she was feeling. Addison trembled as she neared them, whether from anger or pain she wasn't sure.

Addison pressed herself against her husband's back as she reached into his pocket for their car keys, "Don't mind me," She whispered around the lump in her throat as her other hand deposited something in his other pocket. Addison avoided her husband's questioning eyes as she moved around him. She shot Meredith an icy glare as she headed around her to the stairs. Addison held her head high as she descended the stairs, not wanting them to just how much they had hurt her.

Derek's brow furrowed as he felt something settling in his pocket. Still staring intently at Meredith he reached in to see what it was. His breath caught in his throat as he felt something cold and metal. He looked down to see what his wife had left in his pocket. Hoping against hope that it wasn't what he thought it was.

The lighting illuminated Addison as she paused outside the main entrance taking one last look behind her. As she walked through the rain she saw Izzie Stevens walking slowing in front of her flanked by George O'Malley and Alex Karev. George was holding his coat over her head to shield her from the rain while Alex was trying to urge her to walk faster.

Tears just cascaded down Izzie's face as she waved them off saying, "You can't understand what I'm feeling."

Addison blinked back her tears as her heart went out to Izzie, who had also just lost the love of her life. Steeling herself, she walked over to them.

Pausing in front of Izzie she said, "I'm the only one who can understand. I lost the love of my life tonight, too."

They shared a look filled with understanding, pain and sorrow before Izzie's face just crumbled as she hugged Addison, "If you're in the living hell that I'm in. Then I'm so sorry. No one should feel this way."

"Yeah, that about describes it, a living hell," Addison said pulling away to wipe at her tears, "I think alcohol could help."

"Yeah," Izzie said, "It would at least make me feel numb."

George and Alex watched in confusion as Addison and Izzie headed towards Derek's car.

"What just happened?" George asked Alex as they watched the tail lights disappear.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Revised: Realizations come when the lighting flows across the sky_**

_Part 2_

_--_

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy and other related characters/ideas are owned, ™ and © by The Mark Gordon Company and Shondaland Productions in association with Touchstone Television and ABC. No copyright infringement is intended. So, in conclusion: Don't sue.

Rating: PG-13 for now.

Summary: Post-Losing My Religion fic.

_AN: _This is the revised version.

---

Derek blinked away the tears that had appeared at the sight of Addison's wedding rings. He swallowed as the memory of when he had first slipped them on her slim finger flashed through before his eyes. His plan had worked, to make Addison leave him on his timeline because in no conceivable reality could Derek ever leave Addison and the thought of her leaving him when he least expected it was unacceptable. He had finally done what he had set out to do after he found himself unable to sign the divorce papers. The dull ache in his chest surprised him, though.

Addison and Izzie had made it no further than a ritzy hotel near the outskirts of Seattle. After securing a hotel suite thanks to Derek's pilfered credit card, they headed down to the hotel bar. Turning heads as they walked. Luckily, it wasn't too busy so they were able to find a table in a somewhat secluded corner. They agreed that they had to be reasonable numb before they could talk about the evening's events. It took a few hours for them for their grief and pain to begin to lessen.

"After everything that happened, I thought I knew where Derek and I were heading," Addison whispered as she stared down into murky depths of her glass of rum, "When he asked me to the prom, he was the Derek I fell for almost 15 years ago. But I guess you never really know when life's going to kick you in your kidneys."

"He slept with Meredith Grey while he was with me at the Prom. How high school is that?" Addison continued before taking a healthy sip of her rum, "He has become so bitter, arrogant and jaded. You should have met him when we first started dating. He was a thousand times more dreamy and charming back then."

"Denny was the first guy who saw past my prettiness and saw me. Isobel Steven, former model, former trailer park trash. And he liked what he saw and he picked me to wake up next to for the rest of his life with," Izzie's soft trembling voice mumbled through the burning in her throat before downing her glass of tequila, "Who expected the rest of his life to be that short? I'm his grieving widow without actually having had the ring and years of memories."

"You focus on the good memories. The ring is just an outward symbol of your commitment to each other it doesn't define your love for each other," Addison said looking over at Izzie, "He died happy and loved. And in the end that's what made his life the one everyone strives for."

Izzie's vision blurred at Addison's words, her mind allowing her grief to consume. When she had no more tears left to shed, Izzie realized that she had been crying on Addison's shoulder.

"I think I need more liquor," Izzie replied taking the tissue Addison handed her, "A lot more liquor."

"Yeah, okay," Addison said as she signaled the waitress for another round.

An hour later they found themselves talking about how their loves had proposed to them. Addison found herself smiling faintly as she saw the smile light up Izzie's face as she talked about Denny.

Derek stared down into his glass of scotch as if it held all the answers, his cell phone within in easy reach. His mind refused to allow what had just happened to damp his goal to get complete drunk and numb. Logically, he knew that things were over with Addison but he had wish that it hadn't ended like that. He wasn't sure if Addison would allow him to explain his actions because the thought of her hating him after all this made the knots in his stomach grow and squeeze painfully. But at least they helped distract him from the dull ache in his chest. After the night's events Derek had wandered around downtown Seattle for hours before the alluring call of the numbness associated with liquor proved to be too much for him to resist. Derek hoped that he would at least be allowed to get the closure he needed to with Addison. He couldn't handle it if she took his way out, by just leaving without a word. He hoped that Addison could find it within her to be the bigger person that he hadn't been able to be and allow them one last chance to properly say good bye. Steeling himself, he grabbed his cell phone and stared down at it willing it to ring. Derek realized that if he didn't want it to end like this that he would have to make the first move. So, for the first time in years Derek was actually going to make an effort to get what he wanted. As he dialed the first number, the phone started to ring. He quickly hit the button to answer it and brought it to his ear.

Addison's smile turned bittersweet as she shared the memory of how Derek had proposed to her with Izzie. It had happened on one of their few days off. The day had been cold but the sun was shining. Derek had suggested that they be tourists for the day. They visited the Statue of Liberty, followed by a few museums before ending at the top of the Empire State building.

Addison had been looking through a viewfinder when she asked Derek for another quarter. She absently held out her hand but what she felt Derek place in her hand hadn't felt like a quarter. She had stared in shock at the sparkling diamond ring in her hand. She had felt Derek take her other hand as he knelt down in front of her right there in front of everyone. She had smiled at Derek's nervousness as he awaited her answer. She gripped the ring tighter as she knelt in front of him before throwing herself into his arms and whispering in his ear that she would love to marry him. They had had a blissfully short engagement.

Addison blinked away the memories of a happier time with Derek, when she noticed that Izzie was fading fast, so she suggested they head back to their hotel suite. Izzie attempted to weave her way to the elevator until Addison took her arm pulled it over her shoulder and led her all the way to her bed.

Luckily, Addison and Derek always kept a small bag the car with a change of clothes so Addison lent Izzie some clothes to sleep in. Addison rummaged in her purse for some Excedrin. She pressed two small pills into Izzie's hand as she handed her a glass of water. Addison sat down next to Izzie and in a soothing tone started telling Izzie about how she had first met Derek. It wasn't long before Izzie drifted off. Addison paused to hang up Izzie's 'prom' dress and with one last look headed for the mini bar because she could feel herself beginning to sober. And that was just not acceptable state of mind at that moment, the reality that her marriage was over was to painful to deal with while sober. She knew that she had to eventually face Derek again and official end.

'_But how do you cut the person who's been the love of your live, best friend and lover for the past 15 years out of your life? But how can I heal if I don't?'_ Addison thought as she took a poured herself another glass full of rum.

Her lips tightened as she remembered how flushed Derek had looked after 'checking' on his patient in addition the look Derek had given her just before Miranda and Richard had walked over to tell them about Denny. Derek's normally pale skin had always stayed flush for a long while after sex but the look in his eyes confirmed his infidelity to her. His eyes had been swirling depth of emotions: latent lust, guilt, sorrow, regret, confusion and pain had been the most easily to identify. How she had managed to not break down right then still astounded her hours later. But thanks to years of practice, she managed to keep her emotions close and not reveal to the world how much it hurt and disappointed her that this was how her marriage had ended. Not open, honestly and with some degree of maturity but that it ended so juvenilely with subterfuge, and dirty lies.

It was her mother's voice in her head telling her to stop crying, be strong and decide on a plan of action that made Addison dialed a familiar phone number. She almost hung up as the phone went over, but the phone was answered even before the first ring had finished.

"Where are you?" a gruff male voice asked in place of a greeting.

"The Woodmark Hotel in Kirkland, room 322," Addison replied wearily before hanging up the phone. Thirty harrowing minutes later a knocking at the door captured Addison's attention away from the view out her window and her nearly empty bottle of rum.

A drunken Addison answered the door with a glass of rum in her hand. Her eyes were blood-shot; her hair was loose and tousled. The ache in Derek's chest intensified as he saw the remnants of dried tears on her face. Derek had sobered some on the cab ride over to the hotel; the implications of his hypocritical actions were finally starting to sink in again. The ache in his heart was beginning to be unbearable again.

'_What kind of bastard intentionally hurts the love of his life like this? I need more liquor I'm not ready to deal with this,_' Derek thought to himself as he briefly contemplated making a run for it, _'I really need more liquor.'_

"Izzie's sleeping," Addison said hoarsely as she turned and walked to the couch. She poured him a healthy glass of rum, leaving it on the table.

Derek nodded at his wife's back as he quietly closed the door before following her. He his hid moment of indecision as he took off his suit jacket and dropped it over the back of the couch. Grimly he tossed back the liquor before he settled at the other end of the couch, facing her. Swallowing his first instinct, he waited for Addison to speak first.

After they settled down on the couch Addison blinked away tears before she whispered, "How could you do that? Do I really mean that little to you?"

"I fucked up, Addie. I seriously fucked up," Derek said staring down at his hands, "I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't know where my head is anymore. I didn't set out to cheat on you. Along the way to just being Meredith's friend I crossed a line and I couldn't find my way back over it to you."

Addison closed her eyes at Derek's words, unable to express how much those words hurt her.

"You know you're the only person who can make me cry but you're also the only person who can comfort me when I cry. But what do I do now when you're the one who's making me cry?" Addison whispered as she tried to futilely wipe at the tears that started cascading down her face, "This isn't how I expected us to end. Especially not after the way you asked me to prom. You got my hopes up. I expected us to end 50 years from now, when we were both old and wrinkly together."

Derek moved closer to his wife before tentatively wrapping his arms around her pulling her on to his lap, allowing her to sob on his shoulder. Derek felt tears prickling in his eyes as he listened to his wife's heart breaking cries, his arms tightened around her instinctively. He rested his cheek against the top of Addison's head absently enjoying the fragrance of her lily scented conditioner.

'_What have I done?_' Derek thought as his mind recoiled at the thought that what he had just sabotaged, '_I can't let her go, not like this. Not with her hating me. She's my best friend and I can't let her go with her hating me.'_

Comforting Addison when she was hurt and upset was ingrained into Derek. It was an automatic response, even when he was the reason for her distress. Addison was one of the strongest women Derek had ever met; she rarely let down her guard and allowed anyone near her heart. He had always felt honored that she considered him worthy enough to be let near her heart. His mind kept returning to idea that he might never again get to hold her like this. His heart ached at the thought that he might have to watch another guy comfort her.

"I'm so sorry, Addie. I thought this is what I wanted a life without you but it wasn't until I lost you that I realized that my life is meaningless unless you're there to share it with me," Derek said into his wife's hair when her sob had reduced to silent tears, "You're my best friend and I've hurt you so much over these past few months. I know I've hurt you so badly but please don't just cut me out of you life. You're family and you'll always be family."

"I don't know if I can ever let you back into my life. The trust and faith I had in you is gone," Addison whispered through a dry and painful throat, "Why didn't you just sign the divorce papers?"

"Because," Derek started to say as his hand absently played with her hair, "You're Addison. You're my Addison. You're my soul mate and the thought of not having you in my life hurts worse than the memory of you with Mark. In spite of everything, you're still the love of my life. It's just the other stuff that we have problems with but we've let then get so big that I don't know if we could have moved past them or not."

"My love for you never stopped but this is not something we can move past and be stronger because of it," Addison agreed as she shifted to get more comfortable on his lap.

Her eyes widened as she felt something respond to her movements. She looked up at her husband with a hint of arousal shimmering underneath the surface. That was all it took for Derek to groan before he smashed her lips with his. Their tongues met as all their emotions finally found an outlet to erupt from. They battled for dominance, each giving it everything they had. For Addison this was about closure, her chance to say good bye. For Derek this was a chance to prove to Addison that in spite of his bastardly actions a part of him would always crave her touch; time and distance would never change that. Both knew that this night would never be spoken off again but it was needed by both of them to face what the dawn would bring.

Derek picked her up and stumbled into the bedroom Addison indicated as she tried to loosen his tie and unbutton his shirt. Dropping her on the bed, he broke away only long enough to pull her dress off and kick off his slacks. Before he descended upon her again, he placed kisses along her bare skin as he went up her body before finding his way back to her mouth. Derek's passion for his wife increased triple fold, when she scratched her nails down his bare back and arch up to meet him.

Addison quietly got dressed in the predawn light that was seeping through the loosely drawn curtains. Her eyes were misty as she took one last look at her sleeping husband. The last few hours had left him sated and exhausted. Her eyes traced trace the lines of his face before settling on his lips.

"Goodbye, Derek," Addison whispered sadly as she leaned over to press a soft kiss against his lips before pulling the sheet over his bare chest. Wearing his suit jacket over her 'prom' dress and clutching his car keys, she was leaving this nightmare behind.

Addison felt that one of them should be adult enough to explain to their family they were ending their marriage and she knew it would take years for Derek to get up the nerve to tell anyone. So, after a long agonizing hour of driving and worrying Addison had pulled over at a rest stop and had gotten up the nerve to call Mom and Dad Shepherd.

"No matter how much of an idiot my son is you're still part of the family and if you need us we'll be there," was her mother in law's only response after asking if she was okay.

Addison's first two phone calls once she had her phone line install were to Miranda and The Webbers to let them know that she was okay.

Unlike Derek, Addison hadn't tried to hide her whereabouts; she merely hoped that Derek respected her enough to not follow her while she tried to heal. But after nearly 15 years of having someone in your life, it's hard to drop them cold turkey. So, during the first couple of months, Derek called her at least once a week. . She had made the mistake of answering the phone one night without looking at the caller id.

"Hello?" Addison said as she absently looked in the refrigerator for something to eat.

"Addie?" Derek asked

"Derek," Addison replied in surprise, "Why are you calling me?

"Well, I honestly thought I'd get your answering machine again," Derek replied his voice trying to soothe Addison's ruffled feathers, "Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not," Addison replied shortly, "But I eventually will be."

"Addie, I…" Derek started to say.

"I can't do this," Addison interrupted Derek, "I can't talk to you like we're still married."

"Maybe later on we can be friends but right now I can't do it. Just let me try and heal the open wound you left me with," Addison whispered before hanging up on Derek.

After that Addison always remembered to look at her caller id screen before picking up the phone. In addition, she certainly hadn't bothered to return any of his calls other than pass along a message through Miranda asking him to stop calling her.

Suppressed hurt and disappointment clouded her mind whenever she thought of him. After almost a year and a half of no return phone calls from her, Derek's calls had become less frequent. He had instead moved on to sending her a letter once a week. She hadn't opened any of them, instead they were shoved into drawer for when she was over him and could read them without her resolve wavering.

Even though it had been a 18+ months since that last night with him, the dull ache in her heart still intensified every time she heard his voice over her voice mail or saw her name written in his handwriting. Addison can't help but wonder where all this persistence had been two year ago, when she would have welcomed this kind of attention from him. She wasn't really over him, not by a long shot, she wasn't even sure if she ever would be.

After all this time, she learned to reconnect with herself and in doing so she had finally learning to live again, found something to live for.

Addison felt a tug on her hair. She glanced down smiling at the baby in her arms. He had his father's dark locks and her ever changing green-blue eyes. Addison had been shocked when she had found out that she was pregnant.

Addison had been getting ready for work and she noticed that her skirt was fitting more snug than usual. She made a mental note to hit the gym later that week, it wasn't until later that night as Addison was getting ready for bed that the possibility of her being pregnant entered her mind. With the memories of that night running through her head she recalled the absent of any contraceptives. Frantic Addison grabbed her coat and headed for the nearest drugstore.

The clerk at the drugstore smiled in amusement as she watched a confused red head read the back of every pregnancy test in the aisle. When the clerk saw the overwhelmed look on the woman's face she walk over to her after making sure no else was ready to pay.

"Do you need help?" the clerk asked as she pointedly glanced at the pregnancy test in Addison's hand.

Addison followed her gaze and sighed in response, "Why are there so many pregnancy tests?"

"Who knows?" The clerk said as she grabbed three pregnancy tests of the shelves, "From personal experience, these three have the best accuracy."

Addison smiled in relief, "I guess I'll be taking those three."

"You know," the clerk started to say as she walked back to the register to scan Addison's items. "You would get better results from a clinic. Mostly likely it would be cheaper, too."

"I know but for my peace of mind, I need to know now," Addison said as she placed the two big water bottles next to the pregnancy tests.

"I know that feeling," the clerk replied with a laugh as she handed Addison her change, "Have a good night."

"Thank you. You, too," Addison said smiling as she headed out to her car.

Entering her apartment, she wondered if she could deal with a baby at that point in her life. Her life was a mess. After leaving not only Derek and her new friends behind, she had just started a new job and was in the process of making a new life for herself without Derek. It was harder than she ever could have imagined.

The hurt from Derek's betrayal still made her misty eyed and the oddest things brought her thoughts back to her soon to be ex-husband. The fact that he still called her regularly wasn't helping her heal and the possibility that in spite of her best efforts she still had one last tie to him was enough to reduce her to tears.

Addison read over the different instructions as she worked on finishing her second bottle of water. When she felt that she was about to explode from all that water she grabbed the tests and headed for the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, Addison was sitting on her bathroom floor in tears. All three tests had indicated that she was pregnant. After counting backwards, the realization that it had happened on that last night with Derek had made her cry for the first time since she had left Derek in that hotel room.

When Addison's sobs had dwindled down to silent tears running down her cheeks, she crawled into her bed. When the tears had finally stopped she reached for the phone, dialing a phone number from memory.

"Hello?" a sleepy voice asked.

"Adele? It's Addison," Addison whispered tearfully.

"Addison? What's wrong?" Adele asked sounding suddenly more awake.

"I'm pregnant with Derek's baby. What am I going to do?" Addison cried as her tears started anew.

After that frantic phone call from Addison, Adele had taken the next flight down to calm a distraught Addison and to help her decide what to do.

Addison's pregnancy was surprisingly easy on her. She hadn't even had any morning sickness, only the occasional backache if a surgery dragged on to long. Adele and Miranda had decided amongst themselves that at least one of them would speak to Addison at least once a day. Addison felt sure that she had driven them both insane with all her baby name suggestions before deciding that she was going to name her son of after the most honorable man she knew.

Addison had her eyes closed as she felt her baby moving against her hand. At the end of her 32nd week of pregnancy, Addison had felt her baby move many times. Yet each time was like the first. She was sitting down in the attending locker room taking a breather before she headed home again. She had been called in for an emergency consult a few hours ago. She was glad that she was finished for the day, it had been a long day and her back had been aching all day. Addison slowly opened her eyes as her cell phone started to vibrate.

She smiled as she saw the number, "Hello, Miranda," Addison said in greeting.

"Hello, Addison. How's my favorite godson?" Miranda asked.

Addison laughed, "He's fine. I know why you really called."

"Oh, yeah, why did I really call?" Miranda asked laughing.

"Don't think that I don't know about that bet you and Adele made about when the baby's going to be born," Addison said as stood up so that she could rub her aching back, "Don't even bother to deny it."

Miranda just laughed, "Okay, fine. I'm just making sure that you haven't gone in to labor just yet because if you go into labor anytime after 3am tomorrow morning. I win the jackpot."

"Tell me. Who all is in on this?" Addison said as she felt this uncomfortable feeling come over her.

"Well, besides me and Adele, just Richard and Tucker," Miranda replied.

"Who has today?" Addison asked her voice suddenly tense.

"Adele," Miranda answered suddenly suspicious, "Why?"

Addison laughed faintly, "Because my water just broke."

"Addison, you better keep the baby inside until 3:01am," Miranda threatened in her best Nazi voice.

In a softer voice she continued, "I'm flying down. I'll see if Richard would let me use the hospital's jet."

Addison painfully made her way out to the nurse's station, where she was immediately transferred to a wheel chair and taken to the labor room. With in minutes a doctor had come in to take a look at her telling that she was nicely dilated and he expected to deliver his baby anytime in the next four hours or so.

Fifteen minutes later Addison felt shockwaves of fires in her lower abdomen and legs causing her to call out, "Nurse! I think the baby's coming now. I feel like I really need to push."

"That could just be because of the prolonged pressure of the contractions." The nurse smiled as she lifted the sheet over Addison's legs to check how dilated she was.

"You're at ten centimeters. I'll page the doctor," the nurse said as she walked quickly out of the room.

Addison only response was to groan as another contraction ripped through her.

"Try not to push. The doctor will be here any minute." The nurse said as she fed her ice chips.

"Hello, Addison. I'm Doctor Greene," the doctor smiled as she walked in and sat at the end of the bed to check Addison's progression. "Well, looks like we're not going to have time to get up into the delivery room or time to give you anything for the pain."

Dr. Greene turned to the nurse, "I'm going to need a fully stocked delivery cart right away as well as the delivery nurses in here."

Forty-three minutes after her water broke, at 11:57pm Addison collapsed backwards as she heard her son's first cries. While she was busy delivering the afterbirth, the nurse had cleaned, weighed, measured and swaddled her son. With a nurse's help Addison was propped up and her son was placed in her waiting arms. An exhausted Addison gazed down at her son smiling tiredly down at as she took in his dark locks and his green-blue eyes.

"Hello, baby," Addison whispered as tears clouded her vision, "I'm your Mommy. I just gave birth to you."

"In record time, too," the doctor quipped with a smile, "Congratulations, Addison," as she left her alone with her son.

"I've been waiting 8 long months to meet you. I know I was a bit freaked when I first found out about you but I want you to know that I love you so much," Addison continued as she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead.

"Addison?" a voice softly asked.

Addison looked up to Miranda standing in the doorway still wearing her scrubs.

"Miranda, I would like you to meet my son, Jared," Addison whispered when Miranda came closer, "Jared, this is your godmother, Miranda."

Addison had named her son Jared Montgomery-Shepherd after her father, hoping that he would resemble his namesake personality-wise.

It hadn't taken Addison much persuasion to get Miranda to stay with her until her mother in law had shown up the next morning to meet her first grandson. The relationship between Addison and her soon to be former mother in law had been good enough for Addison to share that she was pregnant and that Mom Shepherd had respected her decision to not yet share this news with Derek.

"Jared, this is your grandmother," Addison whispered as she gently handed her son to her mother in law.

"He's beautiful, Addie," Megan Shepherd whispered as she sat down in the chair next to Addison's hospital bed her eyes never leaving her grandson's face.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Revised: Realizations come when the lighting flows across the sky_**

_Part 3_

_--_

_Disclaimer:_ Grey's Anatomy and other related characters/ideas are owned, ™ and © by The Mark Gordon Company and Shondaland Productions in association with Touchstone Television and ABC. No copyright infringement is intended. So, in conclusion: Don't sue.

_AN: _This is the revised version.

_--_

Derek Shepherd started his first morning as a single man by sleepily rolling over and reaching for his wife. His eyes opened confused when he felt his hand land on the pillow rather than around his wife's shapely form. As the previous night's events ran through his mind, Derek realized that it would explain why he had such a dull ache in his chest.

After spending some time just staring up at the ceiling, Derek finally found it within himself to face the coming day. As he sat up he noticed a glass of water with two small pills on the night stand next to the bed. He blinked away the tears that had suddenly appeared in his eyes.

His next stop was to get the coffee pot turned on. He knew would need the caffeine soon enough. After his shower, Derek had a hard time looking himself in the eyes. In one night he had not only hurt and lost his wife but the love of his life and his best friend. His tryst wasn't a relief after months spent lusting after her it was a moment of shame that he hadn't been honorable enough to control his lust and end his marriage before he pursued another woman. He had really hurt the woman he had promised to love, honor, and protect. That wasn't something to be proud off.

It had started to rain when Derek had been in the shower. He paused by the window after he had gotten dressed, absently drink his coffee. He thought it was ironic how the weather suited his mood so well.

Derek checked his watched and saw that it was still early as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello, Richard?" Derek asked when the phone was picked up.

"Derek?" Richard asked.

"I'm sorry to be calling so early but I was calling to let you know that I need some time off," Derek replied as he leaned his forehead against the cool window pane, "Addison left me and I need to deal with that before I'm fit to deal with patients. I can call in a favor with Dr. Chris Roberts and have him to cover me for a few days."

"Ok. Call in that favor," Richard replied, "If you need to talk you have my number. I expect a call by the end of the week to let me know when you'll be back."

Derek's call to Chris Roberts was short and by the conclusion Chris had agreed to cover his patients for at least the next week. Chris would be flying up later that day.

As he searched the suite for his suit jacket he remembered that Addison had mentioned that Izzie was sleeping in the other room just as he was opening the other bedroom door. He paused as he looked in and found Izzie sitting just staring out her window at the rain.

He headed back out and came back with a cup of coffee for Izzie.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he placed a hand on her arm to get her attention.

Izzie just looked at him with tears in her eyes unable to answer.

"I realize that's a stupid question but if and when you're ready to talk about your feelings I want you to know that you can talk to me about it," Derek said kneeling down as he handed her a cup of coffee.

He waited until she had taken her first sip before continuing, "I realize the circumstances are different but I lost the love of my life this morning. The shitty part is that she left because of something I did and the guilt's been gnawing at my stomach since I woke up."

"If you need anything I'll be out there," Derek replied. He was startled when Izzie smile sadly at him and reached over to pat him on his shoulder.

As Derek settled down on the couch he pulled out his cell phone again. His next phone call would not be easy or short. Five minutes later he hung up the phone, his hangover kicking in with full force.

Not twenty minutes later there was a pounding on the hotel room door. Derek rushed to open the door and came face to face with Miranda Bailey.

"Tell me you did not sleep with another one of my suck ups while drunk," were the first words out of the Nazi's mouth as she got into his personal space to glare at him.

Derek was so shocked that he stumbled backwards as he tried to answer, "N-n-n-no."

Miranda glared at him as she gestured very impatiently for him to continue.

"I slept with Addison," Derek whispered, "She was gone when I woke up."

Miranda just gave him a look that clearly said, "You so stupid."

"I was looking for my suit jacket and I found Izzie in the other bedroom," Derek said as he continued to back away from Miranda, "I didn't know what to do. So, I called you."

Miranda narrowed her eyes as she took in Derek's haggard yet sated appearance, "You had better not be lying to me, McDreamy."

"I'm not," Derek replied as he met her eyes firmly, "I would never….Addison and I…"

Miranda gestured with her hand cutting him off, "I don't want to know. Just show me where Izzie is."

Derek nodded before he led her to Izzie's room. He knocked softly before entering and saw that Izzie had not moved from her chair near the window.

Miranda paused as she entered the room, shrugging off her coat and dropping it on the bed as she walked over to Izzie.

"Izzie?" Miranda asked softly as she knelt down beside her. When Izzie didn't respond immediately, she placed her hand on her arm.

"Can I wake up now?" Izzie asked she turned to look at Bailey. The tears were just streaming down Izzie's face. She didn't even seem to be aware that she was crying because she looked down in surprise as she felt the wetness landing on her arm.

Derek closed the door quietly behind him as he left Izzie in Miranda Bailey's capable hands. After pocketing a room key and scribbling a quick note for Miranda, he exited the room. As he stepped off the elevator he made his way to the front desk.

"I'm staying in room 322. I'd like to prepay for the next week," Derek said as he handed over his credit card.

The front desk clerk typed into the computer before saying, "Mr. Shepherd, it looks like your wife already took care of that," as he handed back the credit card.

"Ok, thank you," Derek replied around the lump in his throat. He managed a faint smiled as he walked out the front of the hotel to ask the valet about a cab. Forty-five minutes later Derek was standing in front of the trailer, next to Addison's car.

He took a deep breath as he steeled himself to open the door. He closed his eyes as he stepped inside. As he opened his eyes and took in the empty trailer the lump in his throat threatened to choke him. Tears sprang to his eyes as he noticed that Addison hadn't taken all of her stuff. She had most likely only taken the items that were important to her and what would fit into her car.

-

Derek sighed sadly as he watched the Seattle coastline disappear out of the airplane's small window. He couldn't wait until the seat belt sign went off, he really needed some alcohol. Derek spent the next five hours drinking and ignoring the flirtations of the brunette sitting next to him. He had begun to sober up as the airplane began its final approach. He managed to retrieve his luggage before heading out to find a cab.

Derek let his mind wander as the cab started off. Before long the cab ride was over and Derek was standing in front of their brownstone just as the sun was starting to set. He slowly unlocked the door; he took a deep before he turned the knob and stepped over the threshold. Everything was just as he remembered it. The only difference was that there were sheets covering the furniture.

He wandered from room to room reliving the hundreds of memories he had there with Addison. By the time he had made it to their bedroom, he was only focusing on the good things though he was very relieved that Addison had gotten a new bed and sheets. Grateful, he kicked of his shoes before he dropped down onto the bed. After such an emotionally draining day, he was asleep within seconds.

It was during the pre-dawn hours that Derek awoke in a cold sweat his hand automatically reaching for Addison. His eyes snapped open as he felt his hand grab at nothing more substantial then air. Tears threatened to escape his eyes as he realized that his nightmare was in fact reality.

"Damn it," he whispered his hand slamming down on the mattress next to him a few times before he rolled out of bed. After his shower, Derek left the brownstone in search of some breakfast. He ended up at a small diner that Addison had loved to stop at on the way to work because it was open 24 hours a day. He smiled faintly as he recognized the waitress and she recognized him. The sadness in his eyes intensified when the waitress asked if his lovely wife would be joining him later on. He just shook his head. The waitress nodded as understanding dawned in her mind. With a faint smile she asked if he was ready to order.

The food was as delicious as Derek had remembered. With a generous tip for the kind waitress, Derek walked out and just spent a few hours wandering around the city reminiscing before heading back to the brownstone.

Derek had only been back about ten minutes before the silence started to become so stifling that he had to get out of there. Grabbing his bag and a small photo he had found of him and Addison at their first wedding anniversary, he tossed both into the passenger seat and just started driving.

As he stood in front of the door waiting for someone to answer his knock, he was surprised that he couldn't quite recall how he had made his way there. Before he could dwell on this deeper, the door swung open to reveal a petite older dark haired woman. Derek attempted to smile when he saw his mother, Megan Shepherd, but couldn't manage it before he stepped into her open arms.

"Mom," Derek managed to get out around the lump in his throat as he hugged her.

"Derek?" his mother asked as she hugged him back fiercely.

"She left me, Mom," He whispered.

"I know, baby, she called yesterday," Megan Shepherd replied as she tightened her hold on him.

He spent five days at his parent's place. It was refreshing and made him appreciate how wonderful his parents were. It also made him wonder how Addison was coping considering that he was hogging their only set of parents. On his last day there, he took his mother aside and asked her if she would check on Addison and make sure that she was okay.

His mother smiled as she replied, "She's in good hands. Don't worry."

--

He had been back at work for three days and quite frankly all the pitying looks were starting to piss him off. He knew he was miserable and damaged because he drove Addison away and there was nothing anyone could do to help him heal. He realized that he had to leave her alone and allow her to mend her broken heart in spite that his first instinct was to run after her and never let her go. Even though Derek acknowledged that he needed to let Addison heal, he couldn't just cut her out of his life completely like she meant nothing to him.

Derek had just been paged down to the ER for a consult. On his way down he saw Adele walking out of Richard's office. He was a bit worried that at Adele's reaction to his infidelity and the repercussions of it.

"Hello, Adele," Derek greeted unable to look Adele in the eyes.

"Derek. Hello," Adele replied taking in his haggard appearance before she hugged him, "How are you holding up?"

Derek just shrugged in response.

Adele smiled sadly, "I miss her, too."

"If you need someone impartial to talk to I can recommend an excellent therapist who will work with your schedule," Adele said, "I know it doesn't seem like it but its important to deal with it and not let it fester."

"You're right," Derek replied, "It's time that I started dealing with my problems."

Adele smiled as she wrote down the therapist's name and number on a piece of paper for him.

"Thanks, Adele," Derek said as he kiss her cheek before heading down to deal with his consult.

After a few sessions to his new therapist, Derek decided that he had to find himself again, find out who Derek Shepherd was without Addison Shepherd beside him to help define him. This some something he had to figure out by himself. So, after careful reflection he decided that he needed to request that Dr. Bailey not assign Meredith to his cases for the first few months. Derek, however, was not looking forward to that conversation and put it off for a few days until the opportunity presented itself.

It was late on a Monday night; Derek had just finished his shift. He had been taking the stairs whenever he could but as he was heading downstairs he saw Dr. Bailey waiting for the elevator. Steeling himself he walked over and hopped on to the elevator just before they closed.

"Dr. Bailey," Derek said with a sidelong glance as her.

"Dr. Shepherd," Miranda replied icily.

Derek sighed before pulling the stop button, "Look, I know you hate me for hurting Addison and I get that. I really do."

Miranda glared at him, "Oh, really?"

Derek ignored her glare and continued, "I need time to rediscover who Derek Shepherd is without Addison Shepherd. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I've become. I need to find my way back to being me and that's going to be hard enough without dealing with Meredith everyday at work. So, I would like to request that Meredith not be assigned to me for the next few months."

Miranda arched an eyebrow at him before replying, "That's rather a surprising adult observation for you. I'll consider it. Right now, I have a fine man waiting at home for me," as she restarted the elevator.

After some consideration, Bailey eventually agreed and the next day Meredith Grey was assigned to the new cardiothoracic surgeon.

For those first few weeks, Derek spent a lot of time keeping Preston company, fishing and just exploring Seattle. Basically, he did anything to keep his mind of Addison and his impending divorce. When he missed Addison's presence the most, he always seemed to find himself on the Neonatal floor. At first the Neonatal nurses were rather frosty towards him on Addison's behalf but once they say that his misery was genuine the started to thaw towards him.

Even though logically, he knew he can't be part of her life. Emotionally, he can't let go yet. So, once Addison had settled in at her new job, he called her at home at a time he knew she would be at work. The point of those calls weren't really to talk to her but to let her know that in spite of everything she's still family, that he still thinks off her and if she needed him that he would be there. It was very hard for Derek to limit the calls to only once a week and to not end the calls with I miss you.

When Miranda cornered him one day in the scrub room and suggested, "Stop calling Addison. You broke her heart. That means that you can't be the one to pick up the pieces."

He just smiled faintly before replying, "She's family. Whether or not we're married she's always going to be family."

--

It was a cold and gloomy morning it had been raining off and on all morning. For the first time in a long time, Derek had a day off. As a yawning Derek finally rolled out of bed at 11 am to find a cup of coffee, he squinted at the calendar that was tacked above the coffee maker. He realized that it had been nearly nine months since Addison had left him in that hotel room. After showering he sat down to read his newspaper he concluded that this was going to be a good day. He had finally stopped reaching for his wife while half asleep and work was really mind numbing but in a good way.

Addison and Derek had spent the last few months conversing through their lawyers and they had mutually decided that they would get legally separated for one and a half year before Derek would file for divorce in Washington State. A knock on the door pulled his thoughts away from an interesting article, for a split second Derek had a moment of panic as a sense of foreboding overcame him. Derek attempted to smooth down his hair as he walked to open the door, expecting to see Addison with divorce papers in hand and a hot new boyfriend in tow. He was very relieved and surprised to see his mother standing there.

"Mom, what are you doing here?" Derek asked as he ushered her inside.

Megan Shepherd hugged her son before answering, "I wanted to see you," she sat down before continuing, "I just came from visiting Addison. I was at the airport there and I realized that it is just wrong to see one without the other. So, after calling your father I called Richard and he said that you were off today. So, I changed my tickets to ones that would allow me to have a long layover in Seattle. I'm catching a flight home later tonight."

Derek spent the next few hours showing his mother around Seattle and attempting to covertly grill her about how Addison was. Megan Shepherd just smiled serenely as deftly deflected his questions.

"She's doing okay," Megan Shepherd whispered in his ear as he hugged her tightly when it was time for her to go to her gate.

Derek had really enjoyed spending time with her, plus he felt a weight lift of his shoulders at her assurances that Addison was doing okay. He waited patiently until she had made it past the security because he knew she would turn and wave one more time. He laughed when she did before he headed to his car.

As he dressed for bed he decided that it definitely had been a good day. As he drifted off to sleep his dreams were filled with images off a happy Addison and for once his heart didn't ache at the thought of her happy without him.

It took Derek another four months of self-realization before he was ready to pursue anything romantic with Meredith. They had remained casual friends at work, but Derek simply hadn't been ready to be friends with the reason why his wife had left him.

Derek felt unexplainable nervous as he sidled up to Meredith at the nurses station. Meredith gave him a glance at him as he offered her a cup of coffee.

"Thank you," Meredith replied puzzled.

"Have lunch with me?" Derek asked with a smirk.

Meredith smiled before agreeing, "Okay."

This time they took some time to really get to know each other before falling into bed together. They had many lunches together where they just spent time talking.

"Seriously, you were in a fraternity?" Meredith laughed, "What did they make you do for your initiation?"

Derek blushed and mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?" Meredith asked before taking a bite from her sandwich.

"They made me wear a hotdog suit in front of the cafeteria and sing the Oscar Mayer wiener song," Derek cleared his throat, "You can stop laughing now, Meredith."

After two months of dating, they both realized that what they had both fallen for was the glamorized version of each other. While the sex was great, the reality was that outside of work they had really nothing in common.

"You killed a patient, Meredith," Derek said when they got back to Meredith's house.

"It wasn't my fault," Meredith yelled on the verge of tears as she headed for the liquor cabinet.

"You were his doctor and you prescribed the wrong dosage," Derek replied icily, "Why am I not surprised that you're heading straight for the liquor."

"Well, not everyone can be as perfect as you," Meredith shot back before taking a long pull from the tequila bottle, "Besides it's not like I'm asking that much off you."

"Real mature, Meredith, when things get tough just blame someone else," Derek yelled as he struggled out of his coat, "You need to take responsibilities for your own actions, which is why at the board of inquiries, I will not cover for you."

Derek just glared as Meredith continued to drink more of the tequila before he grabbed his coat and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Meredith asked blearily.

"Out," Derek replied testily over his shoulder. He spent the night at the trailer.

It wasn't long after that they mutually decided to call it quits. They had different plans for the future and neither of them was willing to compromise.

Around this time, Derek had realized that Addison still wasn't ready to allow him to be part of her life as just her family. After a heated discussion with his therapist, Derek followed the suggested that perhaps reading his letters to her would be less painful for Addison. So, he began to write her letters once a week while he attempted to limit his calls to her to once a month. It was hard for him but writing the letters helped even though he still hadn't written how much he missed her.

--

The next few months Derek was extremely busy with work and they passed by quickly. It was late on a Thursday evening; Derek had just made it home when he noticed the answering machine light blinking. After pushing the button, he had started to struggle out of his clothing when a familiar voice started speaking.

"Derek? This is Addison. Give me call, please. It's kind of important."

Derek felt his heart clench as he heard his ex-wife's familiar dulcet tones. He sunk down on the bed as he reached for the replay button. After he realized that the time stamp was from about fifteen minutes ago, Derek dialed a familiar number.

"Addison?" He asked when she picked up the phone.

"Derek," Addison replied with a smile to her voice, "That was quick."

"Yeah, I just got home," Derek replied, "And you said it was important."

"Yeah, I did," Addison paused before she continued, "You said we would always be family. Did you mean it?"

Derek didn't even hesitate, "Of course. What's wrong?"

"Ok," the relief was evident in Addison's voice, "Can you come down here for a few days? This isn't a conversation we should have over the phone."

"Ok. I'll have to clear it with Richard first," Derek said puzzled, "I'll call you in the morning and let you know when I'll be arriving, okay?"

"Ok," Addison replied, "Well, I'll let you get some sleep now. Good night, Derek."

"Addie?" Derek whispered before she could hang up.

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you called. I've missed you," Derek whispered, "Well, good night, Addie."

"Good night, Derek" Addison whispered smiling.

CLICK.

"I missed you, too, Derek," Addison whispered to the dial tone.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Realizations come when the lighting flows across the sky**_

_**Part 4**_

_**- - -**_

_Disclaimer: _Grey's Anatomy and other related characters/ideas are owned, ™ and © by The Mark Gordon Company and Shondaland Productions in association with Touchstone Television and ABC. No copyright infringement is intended. So, in conclusion: Don't sue.

_AN:_ This is the _un-beta-ed_ version of this chapter.

---

It was just after midnight and Derek was singing loudly and off-key as he merged onto the highway. He had a long night off driving ahead of him. Richard had been rather accommodating about giving Derek the a few days off once he knew that it was for Addison.

This was the first time in a long time that Addison had asked him for something. It was his chance to prove to her that no matter what their marital status was that she would always be family and he would be there for her if she needed him. So, Derek had spent the last hour writing notes on his current patients so that the doctor covering for him would have no reason at all to call him back early.

It was just before 9am when Derek pulled into a gas station. As he filled up his gas tank, he leaned against his car and started to dial a familiar phone number.

"Hello?" a soft voice asked.

"Addison?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Derek. Hello," Addison replied.

"I just wanted to let you know that I should be arriving around 4pm," Derek said as he ran a hand nervously through his hair.

"Okay," Addison answered, "I'll see you then."

CLICK.

"I can't wait to see you. Bye," Derek whispered to the dial tone.

- - -

After one cup of coffee, two energy drinks, 3 candy bars, a gas station pre-packaged sandwich and many hours spent venting about the idiot driving habits of Americans as a whole, Derek finally pulled up in front of Addison's address. He had made very good time and had arrived more than an hour before the time he had told Addison. He was so tired that had driven the last two hours on sheer force of will.

The lack of sleep coupled with the daunting thought of seeing Addison again was giving Derek a light headed feeling. He tiredly rubbed his eyes. He took a moment to look at himself in the sun visor's mirror, giving himself a small pep talk about how he was not afraid to face his soon to be ex-wife. Noticing the disarray of his hair, he paused to smooth down his hair, giving up when he realized it was a lost cause. He stretched out his legs as he got out of the car. He cursed under his breath when he dropped his keys. He admitted to himself that he just a little bit nervous when he dropped his keys a second time.

After pausing to try and get some measure of calm back Derek arrived at Addison's door. Derek took a few shaky breaths before raising his hand to knock on the door. As he waited for the door to open he absently rubbed his bare ring finger on his left hand.

As the door slowly opened, a surprised Derek exclaimed, "Mom? What are you doing here?"

Megan Shepherd smiled when she saw her son, "Derek!"

"Addison asked me to stay with her until you arrived," She said after hugging him.

"Where is she?" Derek asked as he looked around the apartment.

"She went for a walk on the beach," Megan replied as she gestured, "We're only about three blocks from the beach. Just follow this sidewalk to the beach."

"Okay. Thanks, Mom," Derek replied as he turned to head out the door.

"Derek, before you go after her. Remember she needs her family's support, not anger and if you hurt her you will answer to me," Megan said with a soft smile while her eyes spoke volumes.

A confused Derek nodded before saying, "Okay, Mom."

- - -

Addison was on leave from the hospital for a few days. Telling Derek required a lot of courage on Addison part, knowing this her mother in law had asked her to call her when she was ready to tell Derek. Megan Shepherd knew just how impulsive and temperamental her son was. She hoped that by her being there that he wouldn't lash out at Addison too much. After a call to Mom and Dad Shepherd, Megan Shepherd had flown the day before.

Derek quickened his pace as he headed to the beach, thankful that the day had been a cloudy day. He adjusted his sunglasses as he looked around for a familiar red head. He smiled when he saw her sitting on some rocks, not too far away.

Even though Jared kept her busy most of the morning she still found plenty of time to worry about Derek's reaction to her news. It was now just after 2pm, and she had just put Jared down for his nap. She was a nervous wreck as she waited for Derek. When the anxious threatened to overwhelm her she asked her mother in law to stay with Jared. After thinking about what she needed to calm down she headed to her favorite spot on the beach.

Addison could finally found a measure of tranquility as she watched the waves crashing back and forth. After spending considerable time agonizing over what she had to tell Derek she forced herself to relax. Her eyes drifted shut as she turned her face into the win. A bird's piercing call made her open her eyes and there he was. His hair disheveled and his eyes unfocused as he looked at her, apparently lost in thought.

Still smiling, Derek paused a few feet away and just looked at ex-wife to be. Her face was turned into the wind, allowing the wind to tousle her loose hair. Her feet were hanging down the side of the rock, over the water. She was wearing sunglasses but Derek had a feeling that her eyes were closed as she enjoyed this quiet moment. Just by seeing her posture Derek could tell that Addison was also anxious about seeing him again. The butterflies in his stomach settled down a bit at that thought.

"Are you going to just stand there? Or are you going to give me a hug?" Addison asked with a laugh.

While Derek had been lost in thought, Addison had made her way down off the rocks and stopped in front him.

With a laugh Derek wrapped his arms around Addison, giving her a long and very tight hug. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple before he buried his nose in her hair. He smiled as he inhaled the faint scent that he always seems to associate with Addison. Derek was relieved that Addison's grip on him was just as tight as his grip on her was.

When they parted, Derek whispered, "I missed you, Addie," as he brushed some wind blown strands of hair off her forehead.

Derek after a moment's hesitation offered her his arm. Addison just looked at it for a moment before wrapping her hand around his arm. They fell into a comfortable silence as they walked back to Addison's apartment.

As they walked into the living room Addison asked "What do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

"The good news," Derek decided after a moment's pause.

Addison whispered, "Congratulations, Daddy. It's a boy!"

"What?" Derek whispered as he stumbled backwards into the love seat.

"It was a parting gift from our last night together," Addison said as she sat down next to him. Smiling, she grabbed a photo album that was lying on the coffee table.

"I named him, Jared Montgomery-Shepherd. It was an easy birth. He weighed 6lbs and 2 ounces," She said. Opening it, she handed the photo album to Derek.

"I have a son," Derek whispered to himself. His eyes darkened as he realized something.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Derek yelled as he stood up to stand in front of Addison, "I missed everything!"

"Oh, yes. This is all about you," Addison shot back with a glare.

"Don't you think I would have wanted to be there for the pregnancy or at the very least the birth?" Derek yelled as started pacing in front of Addison, "Or to be there for his first smile?"

"Honestly? No," Addison replied as she got to her feet, "You're too self-centered to make time for anything other than your career. Would you have really moved down here and made the baby a priority in your life?"

Derek glared in reply as he realized that there was some truth in her words.

"I didn't think so," Addison said sadly before turning away from Derek.

Megan Shepherd had made her way to the living room and she was just in time to see a teary eyed Addison disappear into Jared's bedroom. She smiled faintly as she saw that a frowning Derek was staring moodily out the window.

"Go take a walk," Megan said as she rested a hand on her son's shoulder, "Come back when you're done with your temper tantrum."

"Mother," Derek started to say.

"You can't meet your son for the first time when you're acting like this," Megan said, "He deserves the best from you."

"Why didn't she tell me?" Derek whispered hurt, "Was it because I slept with Meredith?"

"You know better than that. Addison didn't tell you to be mean or petty. She did was she thought was best for the baby and on some level for you," Megan whispered back, "She wanted you to deal with your issues on your timetable not because of impending fatherhood."

"Would you really have been able to give Jared your best six months ago, to put his needs above your own?" Megan asked left her son alone with his thoughts.

Derek slammed the door behind him as he stalked outside. Lost in thought he just walked and before he knew it he was standing in a small park. Sinking down onto an empty bench, Derek's eyes drifted towards the playground. When Derek had finally let go off his anger, he made his way back to Addison's apartment.

Deep in thought Derek didn't noticed when the door opened softly after his rather timid knock.

"I didn't think you'd be back," Addison said as she held the door open for him.

Derek just shrugged as he slipped past her into the living room. He settling down onto the couch he reached for the previously discarded photo album.

"Are you ready to meet him?" Addison asked softly from the doorway.

Derek smiled, "Yes," He was staring down at a photo of a very pregnant Addison showing off her belly, when he heard a voice call his name. When Derek looked up, he saw Addison standing in the doorway holding a baby.

Derek's breath caught in his throat as he slowly made his way over to his son.

"Jared, this is your Daddy," Addison said quietly, "Derek, this is Jared. Do you want to hold him?"

Derek just nodded in response before allowing Addison to place Jared in his waiting arms. It was literally love at first sight for Derek; he never thought he could love anyone so instantly. Derek had so many emotions running through his head as he gazed into his son's green-blue eyes all he could do was trace his son's features reverently.

"My boy," Derek whispered as he pressed a kiss to Jared's dark curls, "I have a son."

Meeting Addison's eyes he whispered in an awed tone, "We have a son, Addie."

"Yes, we do," Addison laughed as she watched Derek count Jared's fingers and toes.

Derek spent the next few hours just getting to know his son, his eyes rarely straying from his son.

Addison smiled as she watched Derek try to wash their playful son. She laughed out loud as Jared splashed his father. It was a great weight of her shoulder's that Derek had taken the news of his fatherhood so well. She had expected yelling, lots of yelling. She was certain that she had seen tears in Derek's eyes when he had first taken Jared in his arms.

"He has your eyes," Derek observed as he smiled down into his son's eyes as he gave Jared his bottle, he lovingly kisses his son's fingers when they grabbed for his son.

"He had your hair," Addison commented back as she ran her fingers over Jared's hair.

"I always imaged our first child as a little girl with your red curls and my blue eyes," Derek said as he glanced at Addison, "Thank you for telling me. I realize I lost the right to know anything about your life when you left Seattle."

Addison smiled her eyes unreadable.

Later when Jared had been put down for the night that Derek remembered that Addison had mentioned bad news as well. He waited until his mother made up an excuse about picking up some food before he broached the subject with Addison.

"What's the bad news, Addie?" Derek asked as he led her over to sit down on the couch.

As they sat down, Addison avoided Derek's intense eyes.

Derek knelt down in front of her, forcing chin up so that he could look into her eyes, "Addie?"

Taking a deep breath, she reached up to move her hair to the side, turning her head so that Derek could see the side of her neck.

Derek's eyes widened as he saw a small lump on the side of her neck.

"No," he whispered as his fingers reached out to run over the lump. Speechless he moved to sit down next to her.

"Its Alveolar soft part sarcoma," Addison whispered with tears in her eyes, "I have a surgery scheduled for Monday in Boston. Will you come with me?"


End file.
